Listening to: Face the World, Lucky 7
Thinking of: Zilch...

Well, I know this is gonna sound strange... Well, its one of those forwarded e-mails and this time around, I'm just gonna see if this is actually true though. I highly doubt it, but we'll just see...

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas:- Hardly think so, whenever group meetings come about, they tend to just freeze
Difficult to fathom:- You mean annoying?
Thinks forward:- Especially when it comes to food
Unique and brilliant:- Strange and geeky
Extraordinary ideas:- Yeah, lets have urrr... Marshmallows with Salmon
Sharp thinking: Could do sometimes...
Fine and strong clairvoyance:- Definitely Not
Can become good doctors:- A dream gone, so we'll not award this point
Dynamic in personality:- Umm... nope
Secretive:- Ok, I admit to this
Inquisitive:- Too blur to be inquisitive
Knows how to dig secrets:- Always the last to know about things so nope...
Always thinking.:- Mostly RUbbish... well, I'll give in to this
Less talkative but amiable:- Less talkative? You must be kidding me! Nope!
Brave and generous:- Brave, Nope, Generous... nope!
Patient:- Nope
Stubborn and hard-hearted:- On occasion
If there is a will, there is a way:- If I can get my bum off the chair
Determined: Nope
Never give up.
Hardly becomes angry unless provoked: Are you kidding, I'm perpetually angry
Loves to be alone: Its called SOLITUDE, Know the difference... Yes
Thinks differently from others: Only cause I'm stupid
Sharp-minded: Nope
Motivates oneself: Hahahaha... u must be kidding
Does not appreciates praises: I live on praises, whatcha talkin' about
High-spirited: hahaha... talk to me and find out
Well-built and tough: Sufficient
Deep love and emotions: Have no idea
Romantic: Urrr... nope
Uncertain in relationships: Uncertain fullstop
Homely: Yeah, I kinda like my own pad to do whatever
Hardworking: Pbbhhttt... yeah, right
High abilities: I'm sorry, Nope
Trustworthy: I hope so, so for the sake of it... Yes
Honest and keeps secrets: Refer to above
Not able to control emotions: Its all under a lid
Unpredictable: Kinda

7/38 of them are true... so not quite accurate eh?

Listening to: Blister, Jimmy Eat World
Thinking of:

I write this as I am on my way back to Warwick from Cardiff. For me personally, its a journey of mixed emotions and thought. We managed to get 4th place in volleyball which is one step up from our previous results which has been to quater finals. I am both pleased and dissapointed at the result... I am genuinely glad that the team has improved in technical and in spirit. We have in a quest took a year gelled together and to support each other. Though I am no key player, I am proud of them. we played several good games and showed great effort as a team. Yet, i am dissapointed by one performance of mine that i lost my cool and storted making silly mistakes.

On the other hand, I am glad to have met some old friends... Vinod, Jack and surprise surprise... Samuel Tan. Overall, I have nothing but to admit that its been a good day. Only thing is that I'm absolutely smashed at the moment I really do wish I can just fall into bed and sleep. Oh well...

Apart from volleyball, I feel mixed... I had 2 very strange dreams a couple days ago each regarding people and creatures close to me... Both are rather disturbing as well, both involved the possibility of losing them both. Somehow I'm sick and tired of losing people in terms of friends and thru death, I know its not my will that these things come to pass and yet I know my wisdom and thought isn't close of that of the Almighty.

More often than not, I find myself in envy of others... Not in a bad sense, no... However, I tend to feel a bit disappointed with myself. I don't understand how that some with so little work can achieve such greatness and how some have fingers that belong with musical instruments while others have the genius of the pen. I know mother nature has been kind to me in allowing me to do things to the level that I am able to do. Somewhat a bit of a Jack of all trades, master of none, kind of situation. Sometimes it annoys me to be able to contribute in such a small portion due to the lack of ability. Somehow it seems nothing I do is a remedy for it... I guess somehow I'd like to be able to progress ahead of myself to see competition vapourise in the rear view mirror while I ease to press forward. Muahahaha... Now on to take on urrr... I mean, take over the world! ;)

Well, think I shall make this a short temporary entry while I try to catch some shut eye.

Back!



Listening to: Pointless Nostalgia, Jamie Cullum
Thinking of: Dang, Woke up late!

Anyway, its Sunday afternoon and I missed my bus to head down to Coventry for church this morning. Sigh... Oh well. ANyway, today has been a lazy Sunday. One I dearly miss as for the pass few weeks, work has come in and gone out rushed and hopefully that little bit of effort have pleased my supervisors.

I had a few interesting conversations with a couple of people today. I don't know why I chose to be so open in one conversation with one of my juniors. Its not a bad thing, just a little uncharacteristic. Also called home and quite pleasantly surprised that my parents have planned their little trip over to England for my graduation, should I graduate that is. Somehow I don't know why but I've lost quite a bit of confidence over this accademic year, the notion that I still can attain my 1st has somewhat eroded. However, now I leave it to God and hopefully I continue to pick up momentum with work and whatever else I have to do.

Anyway, I've got to run off to a gig that my housemates are playing... This is a ska band that their playing in strangely entitled Nutsack...

Cheers!

Smokey the Bear!

Listening to: I Loves You Porgy, Miles Davis
Thinking of: The Wild Heart

At the moment I'm nervous over an assignment due in soon.... But that is just to give you a background of what I'm doing at the moment anyway.

What I thought of writing today is the need for men to be men... Somehow, its something I've been thinking about for quite a bit... I don't mean being chauvanistic and insensitive... But somehow, within me I know there is this certain longing to fight and for adventure. I miss climbing mountains and running around jungles and doing jumps while mountain biking. Somehow, I think I've become so domesticated... but like a good dog, he doesn't lose the hunter in him (think even house terriers who'd give chase to cats larger than his puny little size)

"The heart of a man is like deep water..." Proverbs 20:5

Somehow, all that adventure doesn't neccesarily translate to the need to be stuck in the forest and fighting cannibals to get out of the place... But I don't know, maybe thats why I feel life has been stagnant for me the past couple of weeks. I don't find pleasure and sort of discovery from what I do of late... I remember in the first week of this term and being introduced to my internal combustion engine module, I was really excited... Each lecture I learnt more of what I briefly knew about what makes a good car engine running, it was good fun... not that i'll be able to put it into practice with my mom's car (she'd hire someone to me alive and feed me to the umm... mouse deers!) But its like an adventure where things you knew could happen would be explained and understood. Unfortunately this diminished a while ago... What happened to that certain thirst for "adventure."

Like all good adventures, there is always a beauty to fight for... Prince Charming had the evil Queen to content with while saving Sleeping Beauty, Batman had Cat Woman (or whatever her real name was and strangely enough, she's also the villain) and heck, Shrek had Fiona with whatchamacallit as his enemy. Taking a slight detour, I wonder if evil parents in laws count as villains. But back to the subject at hand... A little boy would always play his best game when the little girl he has a crush on was there in the stands... Well, I know... cause I've been that little boy. Who would have guessed, she became the only girl I've loved almost a decade after that little in the stands thing... Sometimes having "beauty" somewhere or another, the elation of knowing something could just make you feel like E.T's kid, riding the bike across the moon. Songs have been written, mountains climbed, oceans crossed... Yet, what makes it so special to have "beauty"? Its an adventure isn't it... just fighting for the sake of that one person... Oh well, I wouldn't know... I guess to me with my social ineptness, even asking some girl out takes loads of courage.

Is adventure then instilled within a person, or is it bestowed? Nature versus Nuture again... I guess for me, the I could explain it the way I've been thought to live. I guess to a certain extent, life's been a little restricted to me since I left Kuala Terengganu (oh, life was a constant adventure there it really was. And till now, its been great, great fun) where I'd be dropped at school and picked up at the time would be right... I'd be barred from climbing hills and trees and even taking busses. But yet, as I grew older, I just had to fight for that "freedom" to explore... The need to just find out what lied around me and how the land was made and designed. It started with walks, and then bikes, and then climbing a bit... I knew I loved the outdoors then, a sense of accomplishment after a steep hill climb with the bike, the serenity of the speed flying down hills (yup, read that right). To me, it was there all along... only to be realized I had it. Yet, on the other hand, the more freedom one gets in that sense, the more one is addicted to it.

Right, think I shall end this entry with a simple question though... would one feel better with a guy being just plain "nice" or on the other hand, would one feel better with one who is adequately apt but yet, loves adventure?

Willy WOnka

Listening to: The Best of Me, The Starting Line
Thinking of: Shopping... whoa!

8 hours of shopping... Dang it! Eventual damage, about 100 pounds... How do I justify the ammount spent, well... I bought a pair of sneakers from Nike which cost me quite a bit and that took the majority of money. I also bought another shirt from Next, a dark blue one with an interesting sheen... I was something I knew I had to have and it looked different from my other dark blue Next shirt back in Malaysia.

Interesting enough, I didn't manage to get what I wanted... a suit jacket. Somehow no matter wherever I went, I couldn't get a jacket with a proper cut and fit. Somehow something had to go wrong... either the chest size or the sleeve length or the shoulder width. It was always the case where 2 out of the mentioned 3 were correct and one minor detail would ruin the fit altogether. So I've decided to go with my old jacket tomorrow, which is probably one size too small for me anyway and then head back to Malaysia to get something tastefully done with a fraction of the price. I was quite surprised that even the Versace and Burberry one's didn't fit well, and the one that almost did the job was the Zara jacket... However, a fatal flaw in one of the 3 criteria meant it was a no, no either way. Maybe I've just got a strange body... Oh well... Cest la Vie'

Today I went with Yael to Birmingham.... It was almost random when I called her yesterday for a chat and it ended up with us going to Birmingham today. Shops of interest today were pretty much the usual... Selfridges, Topshop, Borders (the geek in me had to cry out), Next, Nike, Druckers (hey, the tummy gremlins insisted on food, ok), Zara, Muji and some other places. Admittedly, I think it was a pretty good trip... Both of us took part in shopping and well, Yael got me to try on this shirt I thought I'd never try and it did look pretty alright... It was a white shirt with hollow diamond prints... So yeah, think light colours and significant dark ones happen to suit me best. Hehehehe...

Before we headed off, we popped by Selfridges and thought I'd get someone a little surprise from there... nothing special, just a Oreo bar, Yael did the same thing as well... and the result on my side was nice to say the least. I guess I could do that a bit more often with a different sample of people. Well, I don't know...

Remind me again why I decided to pop onto campus today when I could've taken the train to Leamington train station, which is like 3 minutes walk from my place and took the bus to campus instead of that to Leamington direct as well? I'm beginning to question my sanity... Utter stupidity I guess... Bah!

Its been a while since I added a tag board on my blog... why? Cause it looks so empty and depressing. I guess it doesn't help that I don't tell that many people about this anyway... So much for my initial motivation to actually have this as a place where I try to tell people my thoughts and views on certain issues as well as a method of self expression to the rest of the world. Not that I think I'm good enough to grace the world and its potentially shiny lights or gun shots... but yeah, why not... y'know... might even get my 10 seconds of fame. Hehehehe...

Malaysia Nite is tomorrow and well, I do hope that everything is "GO" for the sake of Malaysian Soc. and personally to everyone involved as well. Any of you guys reading... (highly doubt it) here are 2 pair of fingers crossed for you guys.

I did something really juveneille the other day at practice before heading to the gym... It was definitely something I could've avoided easily... Not that anything was the matter... just thought that the brief moment of self integrity in the backseat could have given the wrong consequences should it be in a larger and different situation.

I don't know why this album sounds so different from the first time I took a listen to it... Taking Back Sunday is a pop punk band under the label of Drive Thru records. I think the sound is a little fresh and over engineered a wee bit... But nonetheless, a good pop punk album. I know both Iain (housemate) and Elaine (Friend in Cali.) were quite pleased when I told them I got the album. Oh well, to me its another piece to my very random musical taste, think Bach's piano concerto followed by some loud screaming.... I know a few of my friends should they be reading this would be cringing at the thought. Well, its not bad... playing Mozart's Requim, I can easily have someone screaming next to it... Its just so angry somehow I feel.

General Quotes

Listening to: Sayonara- Gackt
Thinking of: Lovely day... what a rare sight these days...

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.
Helen Hayes (1900 - 1993), in Roy Newquist, Showcase, 1966

Creativity can solve almost any problem. The creative act, the defeat of habit by orginality, overcomes everything.George Lois

Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.Jacob Braude

Listening to: Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Change in My Hand, Primitive Radio Gods
Thinking about:

frustrate

• verb 1 prevent (a plan or action) from progressing or succeeding. 2 prevent (someone) from doing or achieving something. 3 cause to feel dissatisfied or unfulfilled.

— DERIVATIVES frustrated adjective frustrating adjective frustration noun.

— ORIGIN Latin frustrare ‘disappoint’, from frustra ‘in vain’.

Oh well, the definition above exemplifies what I feel most of the time these days... Even simple things annoy the hell out of me... As most would no, patience is not one virtue I posses...

Listening to: Strange Meadow Lark, Dave Brubeck Quartet
Thinking of: Humility

"Being humble does not mean being weak..." I remember talking to someone who distinctively told me that phrase a couple of years ago. I know in theory what he means but in terms of practice... With my limited ability to comprehend, I am not able to grasp the concept in life itself. I'm going to forgo the blaming game against the society and television that floods our mind that we should stand out and be arrogant. Its not a valid excuse...

"... such a lofty target as humility..." Those were the words of someone I spoke to a couple of days back. So we've established that humility is a state of mind, a lifestyle... it is not something that "occurs" when one tries to lower one's self to that "No, no... I'm not good at all..." state. It has nothing with the display of good works and assistance... That is a potential by product. In my narrow mindscope, humility is the state of knowing how insignificant one actually is as compared to the rest of society and knowing that one can contribute in various ways possible yet knowing one's skills and placing in good steed for the furtherence of society. Does that mean we should give up our day jobs and work for free? I highly doubt it... However I believe in humility, one can show strength... To keep one's head in place in praise or even in a hotspot. It shows to be humble, but it doesn't mean that one gets pushed around... I'd stick with stand up and get what is yours, only while doing it... Be humble and know what is yours and what isn't. To gracefully accept praise but yet stoop down and recognise the factors and the many people who contributed even a tiny bit, to recognise that "I" did it... After all, there is no "I" in team

Listening to: Really True Blues, Modern Jazz Quartet
Thinking of:




Gloomy weather, work and an overrunned schedule (done carelessly by yours truly) and I wonder how I'm going to make it tomorrow morning. I know I should be doing work since I've got loads of other things to do and not much time to do it... But I really just feel like ranting and maybe, just maybe go do something with all this frustration pent up from days in a row. Hopefully a game of volleyball should get rid of some steam... I mean a painful game while whacking balls around the court might help yeah?

On the other hand, it really is just melancholy forcing its way back into my insignificant life... I don't think that in the 21 years of my life, I've made any significant impact on anyones' life. Quite a waste of 21 years really... don't you think? But of course, here I'm hoping that should I shape the world of someone in the future, those years before that would be a little more worthwhile then... Perhaps I should take a step back and look... perhaps I was never destined for greatness, only the person that is an aquaintance... someone most people I know can do without. Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you could be of service to the country... Paraphrased, naturally... I fail to understand my contribution to anyone and to any group of people I've known so far. I know surely that there is a reason for being, only problem is... what is the reason should you be wandering like a tramp and his old boot? I fail to comprehend the manner of which I act, usually beyond thought and reason... The brashness and stupidity that is the reputation of a clown....

Is everything physical? Are thoughts just derived from little chemicals running around in the brain? Are emotions just the same thing? What is the function of the soul? Is it an independant figure apart from the body? How is it intergrated with life as we live everyday? The world that we live in, is it all just physical forces and physical matter?

In ending... I want to let it slip, with the tunnel's end so close.... Will the door out of it be shut to me again? To close the eyes to the world, never to wake up... to live in a dream, so close to reality... we never know the difference... How would you and I be?

Listening to: My First Love, Utada Hikaru (just plain piano)
Thinking of: My day

Oh alright, I admit it... I've got a wee bit of sappiness somewhere inside of me... Just a bit. On the other hand, I am learning to appreciate the piano lately... Pity its something I've not learnt and to a certain extent, its sound is unique and somewhat complicated to explain the little bit of romanticism behind it... Oh well, goes for music in general I guess.

The day did get better from the morning... Though I've only done 2 pages and 2 papers out of my intended infinite number, I feel a bit more comfortable now... I guess volleyball did help... Even though I'm crap at it, it was still good fun. Sigh... Its strange though, after a period of frustration and all that pent up energy gotten rid off, the slight depression comes about... I guess its a reminder of the time in school, the perpetually depressed and low self esteemed fella... Oh boy, how did I survive those 2 years? I guess it does come around sometimes... only this time a lot better dealt with and perhaps less significant.

I've just tried Luther Vandross's, Dance With my Father and admittedly I really do like it... Oh goodness, what am I turning into. Anyway, just thought I'd give a better picture of the day really... nothing much...

Listening to: Its all coming back to me, Celine Dion
Thinking of: ------------------------------------------------

I just had a conversation with Iain, my housemate as Umut left for Sophia's (His girlfriend) and it was a pretty interesting one this time around. 2 of us in my room sipping red wine while eating white grapes... talk about a mismatch... but it was good anyway. After all, I'm living the student bit... the bit where one doesn't drink wine in the fashion it should be done but in a reckless, Philistine sort of way... Well, not Philistine... but you get the idea.

I reckon that I've gotten a lot more studenty over the past year... I'm no longer particular about jeans and t-shirts and how I should conduct conversation. These days, its just "Whatever..."

Well, I was just looking on eBay after reading an article on CNN.com about the idea of imaginary girlfriends. What they do is provide a service of writing letters and perfuming it while and depending on the bid value, may throw in a couple of photos and phone calls as well. However, it is strictly mentioned that this does not constitue a proper relationship (thank goodness for that). Some do it for the college money (apparently) and some do it for the sake of doing it... well, why not when you could get some dough out of it as well. Basically it seems pretty weird to me though... For the socially challanged or those who might want to spite their ex- girlfriends? Oh well... who knows...

On the other hand, I've been looking at old Rolls Royces after reading about the New Phantom. Nothing is as unique as a Roller though... as the Brits go, "Legend, you are!" Such is the Roller to the automotive world. Where Ford made his name in mass production, Rolls Royce went the other way towards innovation in the automotive industry and high luxury! From the Silver Ghost to the Phantom... its all good... even the thick carpets....

Believe in me, Believe in you....

Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins, Believe
Thinking about: Nothing





"Close your eyes
Until the sunlight dies
In your head a thousand stars
Through the darkness you can see a light
And if they steal your life
Your heart is still mine
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth, there's no other
I want to believe in you, dear
On Sunday
There's a life i hide
Well I tried to disguise
And I can take you a million miles away
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth is no other
I want to believe in you, dear

On Sunday I made amends
Of all my mistakes
May God speed be with you

Oh oh oh o oh
and I
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth, there's no other
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth, there's no other
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth, a lover
I want to believe in you and I heard you
Your song, you sing, a truth, there's no other
I want to believe in you, dear
On Sunday
On Sunday I made amends
For all my mistakes
May God speed be with you"

Hmm... just a random moment of randomness, I thought for the sake of it, why not generate a wish list... Perhaps some rich benefactor would stumble across this and maybe, contribute. Note that they're in no particular order

1. A ticket on the Orient Express
2. A 20gb iPod
3. Cyrus 6 component system
4. 15" Apple Powerbook 1.25ghz
5. A Hugo Boss suit
6. Grado RS-1 Headphones and RA-1 Headphone amp.
7. 330CI sport BMW
8. A deluxe room on the Queen Mary 2 (with a balcony please)
9. Char Kuey Teow
10. Any Cartier Tank Watch (an absolute classic)
11. Some cool digital camera, too many models to want
12. Fondriest, Madonna di Campagnilo Road Bike
13. Specialized StumpJumper hardtail Mountain Bike
14. Lotus Elise Mk 2.5 (Toyota Engined)
14. A life... maybe...

Of course, there are characteristics I'd like to change on myself as well... To be less judgemental, to be more patient, to show a bit more humility, a heck of a lot wiser, more intelligent, less shy (shocking ain't it) well... ok, more daring then... Well, personally I think I can go on and on about my list of wants and changes. Yet, at the end of the day... I can't help but thank God for what He's given me along with the room for improvement. Guess its another abrupt ending then... Cest la vie

Sufferin' Sockatash

Listening to: Humming Computers, Comfort?
Thinking about: Love of life without the love of any

In between the chaos that surrounds one in the life that is ongoing, a little moment of silence and serenity does slip through. Calm before the storm, some may say... but yet the tiny bit of silence keeps one alive and running.

Silver drops of water fall from the sky in the bowl of the street, splashed away... coming back filling the puddle. The obscure tear drop easily forgotten, raised to the air by the sun and warmth vowing to come back to haunt.

The loneliest star shines its light through the darkness to be found only by those who search, yet never recognised. Radiant light, oh how abundant... yet rare is one who doesn't disappoint.

Thoughts and SIlence

Listening to: Nothing
Thinking of:

Its been ages since I posted an entry... But today I found that perhaps I really should.

I was on Oxford yesterday for a day trip... Nothing quite like a little visit to 2 friends whom I shared years of friendship with. It wasn't awkward though I've not met Ray in 3 years. Now Ray is a person whom I can trust, someone thats been rather open to me and I can only hope that I can do vice versa. Well, he's in Oxford doing some exchange programme till May. I am indeed glad to see him and to catch up, so much as changed about Ray, most of them for the better... but I can't shake off the notion that he's still Ray. He remains the same person fundamentally to me... A keen performer with the guitar and certainly a man with a heart of gold and for God. I have always impressed by Ray, even more so this time... His work and ministry in the States has surely been an encouragement to me... in more ways than one. To think that I've been classmates with him for 4 years (well, 3.5... 2 years in school and another 1.5 years in college). He's definitely a charmer but he knows where his heart lies... and Ray surely is a faithful one.

Jadey is a busy girl... well, that said... I have to thank her for taking some time off for me to hop over to bug her. I've known Jade since secondary school as well... then again, 3 of us were in the same CU commi... Jade was my boss. Hehehehe... A lovely girl thats articulate and sweet at the same time. Little does she know she was one of the pillars that held me up when my life was really in the garbage bin. Though we're both in the UK, its strange though that we've not spoken much this year...

Admittedly its less than a day since I left Oxford and I'm already missing the company. Question is, what is so different about Jade and Ray that makes me miss them so much? I really wish that I could be closer to them, to spend more time in fellowship with them but of course, I have to be reasonable, realistic and prudent. These are a few of the people I wish I will never lose... God willing...