-and all they cared about was eastenders-

and a bunny will awake with a sore diaphragm and an empty tummy.


-the claws are out, and the paws are revealed yet sits one in the silence of the imaginary world, surrounded by 4 white walls... unknown to the breathing-

As for me, I'm doing good with an empty head :D

Listening to: Lover Lay Down, Dave Matthews Band
Thinking of: The entire run up to this moment

The last proper entry I had was more than 10 days ago... So many things have gone through the tiny cranium space, guzzled through vats of coffee and redbull... Heck, the most frequently used utensil in the kitchen is the coffee press and the baking tray (Thank goodness for the oven food culture in the UK!) Have seen people cry, have seen those in elation...

All that is left is one more paper... Since the last entry, had 5 in 6 days... To a certain extent, I feel a strange sense of finality if not tiredness. There is a sense that maybe the light at the end of this tunnel is the entry into another dark one. I have not had my place in university next year for my postgraduate confirmed and I so very much would like to stay back in Warwick... through, I've in the very few breaks thought if it'd be too different without the 3rd years to enjoy it with. So many of my friends in arts subjects would be graduating... Some are going to be in the UK, yet many are heading back to home in Europe or in Asia.

I guess to a certain extent, it could be a new start without the push. But first, to get through the grades... Just one more. Screws, nuts, bolts and spinning gears. Sigh...

I remember walking back from the top of the parade after one of the worst papers, the many characters I took notice of as I walked down, head barely upright and eyes almost shutting and a soul ripped to shreds. I noticed rushing lawyers probably just heading down to get a Cornish Pasty for a quick lunch, young wives totting their young children to Marks and Spencer. One of the more profound characters that caught my eye was an old man and his wife placing a garland of flowers at the foot of the War Memorial in Leamington Spa. The planted daises and flowers around were slowly withering... as he slowly with his shaking hands touch the plaque filled with the names of those fallen. I found that image imprinted in my head. As I crossed the park and across the bridge, I just had to step into the Parish Church and just sat there with light filtered through the stained glass... Head in my hands alone on a church pew, I didn't know to cry or to sing praises. There I was, feeling so hopeless yet thankful for each day I've been alive and the many faces that cross my path. I didn't want to go on, but felt obliged to live instead of wasting the opportunity. Live, not just exist...

I guessed as I stepped back into the bright spring sunlight, if I fail I'd finally have a reason to write a suicide note. The dilemma, to love life or to hate its very essence and sadness. Just gotta keep telling myself, one more to go, just one more... But yes, I long to see the sun set and rise again... its the most beautiful thing.

Sigh... 1st paper...
5 to go...
Will have a proper entry then...

Listening to: Change the World, Babyface and Eric Clapton (Live in NYC)

More reasons to get a bimmer...

Listening to: Stand by me, Ben E. King

Ahh... this song brings back so many memories. Sometimes I wonder if I've lost the spark to actually create memories that are worth remembering. I remember the simplicity of life (then complicated) and just lying down on the ground gazing at the stars by the beach or in the mountains. Wishes made on shooting stars that never came true... recalling the midnight Rendezvous to the coffee shop or stopping by for pancakes after games and not having any appetite for dinner.

I remember just taking walks by myself after a thunderstorm... Or cycling through one. I miss having talks in the dark with those I considered dear friends and the 1st time someone layed their head on my shoulder, that was almost 8 years ago (it ended up being there for 8 hours and crikey, it was hurting like hell after that... long story.)

I remember thinking of those who dearly departed. Those whom I wish still lived and just the glimpse of suffering would reveal in fact an inner strength I so wish I possesed.

I guess memories have dark sides too... I shall leave it with the shadow that follows me through the sunshine.

Listening to: As you sleep, Something Corporate






Leamington Spa, UK: A Chinese Malaysian creature was thought to have lost it's mind and was seen climbing door posts in a house in this town. Witnesses in this usually sleepy spa town have laid claim that the creature was indeed balancing while reading University of Warwick's School of Engineering lecture notes (Heat transfer theory and design to be precise). In fact, one went to say "The phrase of driving me up the wall has taken a whole new perspective."

representatives from the university have not released any comment about this simian like behavior. Speculation is rife among professors, fellow students and folk about the cause of such a disturbing sight of untanned legs at eye level (blamed mostly on the changeable British weather and a long winter). Some point fingers at the upcoming university examinations which is said to cause a rise in strange sightings and anti social behavior amongst the towns folk. Symptoms range from self mumbling with noses stuck in pages and two legged panda crawls around town. Other eye witnesses have also pointed out that the victim/ culprit consumed a white ball which is best described as good tasting brimming with sugary goodness on the box found somewhere in the vicinity. Forensic experts have yet to be called in to confirm such a substance.

Some say it is a final plea for attention to the needs to release examination solutions before the papers. Authorities plea that the creature not be fed with further sugary foods should it act up again and start climbing to the roof.

-Calm Nervousness-

Listening to: Schuman, Three Fantasy Pieces No. 1 (Played by Jaqueline du Pre)

The most random thing happened a few minutes ago. There I was in my little room doing my little thing and I heard a knock on the door. For a couple of seconds, I was wondering if it was Umut's girlfriend Sophia... but judging from the delay of him dashing down the stairs, there wasn't any dashing or enthusiasm, so nope! So I ventured and took a look through the little window and there was this balding, pretty short white dude with a beard and a shirt and trousers say about 65- 75 years old.

Thing was that he just popped down from Glasgow to a funeral of his caretaker when he was just a little kid. Well, I mean I felt kinda bad knowing that the house that was once his home is now being occupied by students... I don't know how he felt but he sure was pretty excited. He had one request though... On our back garden gate to the little alley way, there is a number 53 and he'd like to have that. As much as I'd like to give it to him as a keep sake and for memories, Umut and I both thought that it would be inappropriate. However, we did pass him the number of the letting company and the owner to see if he could have the tiny number on the broken door. Thing was, he had to fly back to Glasgow tonight and he was "Well, to be honest... I don't think I'll be coming down here ever again." I don't blame him... I can imagine the situation where the only reason for coming down is for something like a funeral for someone close. My mind can only start to run circles around the possibilities, he'd have his children my age in Glasgow, a wife, a job... friends. His brother is there as well, I'm guessing he wouldn't have anything to do with this little Spa town besides this house and the people that once cared for him 1/2 a century ago.

I wish I caught his name, and I wish I knew how it was like when he was younger. I wish I could've talked to him further without being a skeptic at one point and feeling bad the next. I wish I asked him how it was living here... but of course, time wasn't on our side... neither was confidence. Heck, I'd ask him if he knew the rules to Cricket! Somehow to a certain extent I think he felt a bit sad that now a large population of students now live where family homes were and unfortunately the little town of Leamington Spa has now developed the ugly townie culture. I felt his pain, I would feel it too if I was in his shoes.

I wonder how this house would've looked like if it was lived in by a family of 2 boys a father and a mother. But of course, I was a bit of a skeptic... well, these days you just can't be too careful. Yup, I'm paranoid... so sue me!

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway." Elbert Hubbard

image thanks to www.solitaryway.com and www.ucomics.com
what this little comic thought a boy about autumn and beauty

-=Icarus=-

Listening to: First Love, Utada Hikaru

Before I head to bed... Thought I'd throw in a short entry. Barbeques... Well, someone had one today and ending up cooking again. Well, at least for most of the time anyway... there were 2 grills (though the one I was using was essentially a trolly from Marks and Spencer) and yeah, did one. Hand ended up black with soot and of all things, I was wearing a white t-shirt. Bummer! Admittedly, thought they had the hard part done when another bunch of us arrived... starting the fire. Only thing was, nobody was cooking or keeping it going. Oh well, cest la vie... think it turned for the better. Thanks for organizing it Imran!

My heart isn't here with me at the moment... I'm guessing it's wandering the world somewhere. Today's Sainsbury bill came to 30 odd quid. Didn't buy much... just think got the more expensive things, like fruit juice (but they were on offer, who could resist) and RedBull (gives wings?) The most expensive thing on the list however were cherries... Fresh cheries... gorgeous... oh well, I guess once in a while.

I had a conversation with a friend which popped the thought of my preferences in terms of women are concerned... She reckons that I've developed a set of rules unknowingly that perhaps defines my idea of beauty and attractiveness. She's probably right actually. However, the only thing I can think of is that they're all non- blondes... all brunettes or black haired. I guess the latter is quite the norm seeing that well, most of (in fact, the entirety) the adolescent life was spent living in Malaysia and on contrary to when I was much younger, most of my friends are all Malaysian. Progression of topic, being in England and mixing with the company that I do... I will miss the idea of having friends from all parts of the world, from the Far East to South America... My heart found.

"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." Carl Jung

Listening to: Name, Goo Goo Dolls

Before I resume reading about design management and techniques...

I had a short chat with Raves this afternoon. Kinda about what we wanted to do after the exams. He's gonna head to Greece for the Olympics and he's sorted. I was thinking what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm set for the trip with parents to Eastern Europe, and maybe something before graduation and after coming back from the trip. So far, I'm bent towards going to Morocco for a couple of days if Soph. doesn't mind me bugging her. Hehehe... Casablanca! But all the plans just remain as sketches in the head. I've got to think of where I'm gonna ditch myself after the tenancy agreement to the house ends in the 1st place.

But for now, I've got to make sure I graduate... with decent marks.

"A thousand other boys could never reach you..." John Rzeznik, Goo Goo Dolls

Listening to: Tea and Sympathy, Jars of Clay






-Tread with Caution-

With a house in perpetual motion, its strange how yours truly has just become a constant. Um' is somewhere (who knows where) and Iain just left for Notts. Scott is probably in Blackpool and well, umm... yeah, here I am. No jokers to the left, no fools to the right... just me.

Sometimes I personally think that's pretty much the social norm. How people move about and occasionally step back into one's life when the moon and stars collide. For the majority of time when that doesn't happen... Well, life goes on as it is. It's strange how we look at mathematical equations and add a constant here and there. However, the question being is there ever a constant? The notion that the moon circles the earth and the earth circles the sun has always been dubbed as some sort of a forgone conclusion, yet I'm pretty sure someone will tell me that that's not really the case when in a couple of million years, blah, blah, blah.

"Don't worry, the sun will rise tomorrow and it will be a brand new day, everything will be alright"

Strange, never happened, isn't happening and will never happen.

"DOn't go looking for trouble, it'll find you"

I want to lie down, eyes shut followed by bright lights... Meanwhile, I think I shall go and read some stuff about management and accounting.

Listening to: 1979, Smashing Pumpkins



-this one is for you buddy! -


I'm guessing Um is wondering how I can be so cynical... Every hope and every exclamation of joy, I seem to be able to put a damper on it. Every term of endearment, I shudder... I must say the guy does make a tremendous effort for his girl and really, it's heart warming (no, I'm not being sacarstic) and you've got to give it to the guy. He really does make up for any deficiency with sheer enthusiasm and effort. Guess it's part of the attraction, not only is he Turkish (which does no harm in the looks department and a nose for good kebabs!), educated (he's in University doing an actual degree), has a natural beat (plays awesome drums and little drum toys), plays footie and has his own ride (good ol' Astra!). Did I mention he's also kind, compassionate, cheery and dead funny oh, oh... and he cooks too! Next to him... yours truly is an embarrassment.

Maybe that's it, the lack of perfection in whatever dimension that one approaches, no matter whichever path that appears in one's way one knows that one is no better than the drunkard whose existence is determined by an alien substance coursing through the veins or the racist whose ignorance shatters the surface tension of perceived tolerance. Thanks to good company I'm blessed with, I know at least I've not wasted my life away.

It's another day spent indoors and I think I'm getting used to it. If only I can keep my eyes open...

-Weather Bordering Lunacy-

Listening to: Take 5, Dave Brubeck Quartet



A pub in Bath 28th March 2004, I like how the flowers are reflected on the mirror, pity the chair is blocking the fireplace and my jacket is on the couch



I guess while I wait, I I'll write a few lines... It has been a reverse-ish productive, productive day today. I don't know... rather strange actually. I got into uni by 9 with my housemate Iain, its quite nice that we've finally had some time to catch up since I've not seen him in ages since he stays in Notts most of the time to study. Had breakfast at Cholos with him... ahh, the British fry up... 2 rashers of bacon, 2 eggs, 2 sausages, tomatoes and beans. To top it off, a cafe latte' from Rocco's. Oh, today ended up being rather expensive for some strange reason...

Went in to print somethings out of engineering and ended up with this massive wad of notes. Think it was like 200 odd pages and retrieved my Internal Combustion Engine's file from the pigeon hole. Thanks Matt! I knew I had an examples class today but it wasn't on the timetable nor were the changes e-mailed to us. So yeah, bad communication from the EUO. Thank goodness I bumped into a coursemate of mine who knew what was going on. So yeah, lecture and then lunch with a bunch of people I've not seen in ages. Got a little keychain free from the Student's shop... its the Ribena Berry with lights on its head, press the nose and it lights up. Hours of amusement I can assure you. Had to get paper, a spare pen and some stuff for filing. More money gone... Met up with Iain again and popped by Sainsburys... I couldn't resist the Haegen Daz ice cream. Stupid freezer shelf, so close to the counter... could've just set it somewhere far away. So yup, thats another 3.87 into the freezer.

Been in the house since and been working... Thats a little commentary from this rather insignificant life.

This kinda reminds me of those cycling days in near the zoo and in "kampungs" with minibuses
Thanks to UComics and Bill Watterson


The Calvin and Hobbes section did make me a bit happier and so did the little chat with Sophia! Thanks Girl!

*kampung, Malay for village

Listening to: The passing traffic

Cheer up! I don't see why I'm down... I don't have any reason to be. Weather is a little cloudy, but there is sunshine in my room. Though its all messy and my housemate is reluctant to go pass the door till all my papers are filed (I was just doing that) I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Hmm... The thing that annoys me most that its hampering whatever effort I'm making to study.

I don't feel like eating and even Choc. Chip cookies that usually do the trick aren't working. Hmm... sounds like a case for Tracer Bullet. Don't want to have lunch and don't want to eat anything else.

Interesting e-bay entry, click to read on (keep an eye on the counter at the bottom)

Listening to: Heavy Metal Machine, Smashing Pumpkins

After an early morning dose of Charles Mingus and George Gershwin, its time to change to something else. CHange... Well, screw change... I just want to lie in bed and rot away for awhile. Oh computer god, here i place infront of you an offering of blank cds as a symbol of brainless devotion, an offering for your unending flicker of light that has drawn me away from reality.

Dad just got himself a killer camera... I just hope its not to heavy to carry around. I guess I'm going to start receiving lots of photos from home about the only willing (well, not quite willing, he's got no choice) model, my dog. Just got one today and bloody hell, with 8MP the file size was larger than my life compiled into several files and folders. Mind the curses though, just feeling a little jaded at the moment... in need of a bed and some happier music.

Listening to: The Best of What's Around, Dave Matthews Band
Thinking of:

"Gadzook!" said the prince. Prince Philip to be precise... That was reaction to a portrait of him entitled "Homo sapiens, Lepidium sativum and Calliphora vomitoria" Translated into plain English, human, cress and bluebottle fly. Painted by Stuart Pearson Wright, the picture features a partially topless Prince (a model was used) with a cress with 4 sprouts on his right index finger and a bluebottle fly on his left shoulder. According to the artist, the bluebottle was used to signify mortality as a reminder to mankind due to the fly's nature of feeding on decaying organic material whereas the 4 sprouts signify the Prince's 4 children. The piece is due to go on auction at a starting price of $45,000 at the Abbott and Holder art gallery in London. Buyers anyone (going once, going twice, going to the gentleman at the back row!)

So far, His Royal Highness has yet to say anything about it.

In a lunch break one day, the tv and I set to discover the humour behind British politics. John Howard vs. Tony Blair... oh it provides such amusement sometimes. The argument about emigration procedures turned into an argument about when the Prime Minister actually devised his speech. The EU issue also took centerstage as a couple of MPs took sides... One argument was pretty amusing "Our soccer coach is Swedish and the best football player this year and his coach are French and even the Royal family is 1/2 German and 1/2 Greek! So why aren't we going for Europe?!" Oh well...

I guess I'm feeling a little subdued and though the initial idea was to head out to dinner with a few friends, it didn't materialise unfortunately... Not a problem, Umut and I pigged out on horrible things I really shouldn't be eating, loads of chips and fried chicken. Pictures on the wall, what do they mean? Who are those people there? Do I really care anymore? I can tell you for sure, my mind isn't here and I know I really ought to start cleaning up the mess from the weeks of assignments and rushing work...

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people--that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
James Thurber (1894 - 1961)

Lights off, candles in the fireplace lighted up... Dave Matthews on the stereo, mind switching from work to thought.... I wish the world would be rosier... for you, not for me. I'm quite happy with the thorns, thanks!

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34