Listening to: Back to You, John Mayer
Thinking of:

-Back Again-

Returning to university has been a strange part of life's present puzzle. Not only everything had to go wrong with the university administration, but it's also been another chapter of self discovery and one of self loathing. Wanting progress but unwilling to move in the first place.

After attending the introductory lecture yesterday, I went in calm and making funny jokes, came out feeling pretty stressed at the prospect of the upcoming year. Project selections have to be done this week or early next. Module selection by Monday next week. I feel rather overwhelmed as I suppose its another jump from undergraduate to postgraduate. My class are basically professionals who have had a couple of years experience and have an idea of what they would like to do. It's not something I did not think of while I was applying but one which felt rather insignificant then. I wonder if I'm ready for another step in the first place and my suitability to the course.

Be it any consolation, my housemate last year Iain made a trip down from Notts to pay me (and a couple of other folks) a visit and yes, its pretty comforting I must say. My hallmates are a pretty docile bunch and I don't see us going out for nights out and having take outs for the sake of it. Maybe I'll turn into a recluse or hang out with my undergraduate friends when I have the time.

My room is a nice one, something like Jack Martin's only much better with decent storage space and a new bed, new bath (yes, I have a bath), new carpets and a big pin board. Oh, also... some of the services doors are pink, much to the amusement of Iain and Paul. The room is slightly bigger than some of the others apparently because its next to the next kitchen, which means I can turn up the music a little loud (which isn't much) and not worry about the bass waking up my next door neighbor's (am on the ground floor as well, so no downwards bass thingy). The view from the window is of a farm and facing the west, so it's a sunset view and no strange voyeur peeping into the room. I've yet to decorate the room and I'll leave it till later to place pictures and give it a little twist to my taste (well, pink doors aren't quite my thing). But am glad that the hi- fi is up and running... Music does help to soothe the shock.

I suppose it's back to the grind of making sure I settle down again... time to head to Tesco's and cocksuckers, urr... I mean Cost Cutters.

Listening to: Here is Gone, Goo Goo Dolls
Thinking of:

Equipment Used


- Nikon 885, Compact Digital Camera, 3.2MPx (retired)
Well, this was a pretty good camera in its time and age. However, due to unforseen circumstances, it just failed a week before I was due to fly off to Italy. Repair would have taken too long and too costly, 100 quid for a 250 quid camera that was already 2 years old?

3X optical zoom, usual semi auto features


- Nikon 5200, compact digital camera, 5.0Mpx
Current compact digital camera, been pretty badly bruised due to my ignorance unfortunately :(. Decent photos for a 5Mp compact, loads of features but no manual override. Easy in the hands and slips into the pocket without much fuss. Definitely a plus when running around in unknown cities. Like the 885, 3X optical zoom. On board memory and great focusing speed and colour. Definitely a pint size knock out!


- Cannon Powershot Pro1, 8Mpx
Current main camera until I fly back to the UK (gonna leave it in KL). Feature packed with excellent picture quality. 7X optical zoom. A prosumer camera with features to boot. Cool bezel zoom thingy (unlike the buttons, I suppose its for the "SLR" feel). Have not changed the lens on this one, though it can take Cannon lenses. Only problem is that the focusing takes ages (unless I put set it to point focussing) and well, have lost some pretty good shots no thanks to it. Sigh... But a good camera nonetheless. Oh, btw... also purchased by dad! Hence extra smiles for that one :D Though a nice size for what it is and it feels great snapping for a couple of hours, lugging it around to dinners and functions is a big no, no... Kinda annoying having to carry something like that.

-Sony Ericsson T610
Camera phone, enough said...

Current Squeeze


Nikon D70, "Cheap" Digital SLR 6.2MPx
Ah well... Will have to wait till Christmas and save up for this one. Dad and Dan intend to put the Pro1 to good use, hence leaving it in KL. Kinda like an SLR, prosumer camera to myself. Anyone, care to sponsor me on this one? Prices start at RM 3600 (about 500 quid). If I'm good enough, will be able to get the lens for that price too. Or of course, anyone more generous could purchase for me the D100 instead. :D

Previously Tried


Nikon D2 Digital SLR
Ah, thanks to a kind friend... Held this lovely in my arms with a gorgeous telephoto lens last christmas (can't remember which lens... hehehe, was too overwhelmed). Cost, RM 20,000+ (around 3000 quid).

*Crying Angel on a Proud Shoulder, Nikon 5200* 

Listening to:
Thinking of:


Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid.
Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

*Oops, just passing thru, thanks*

Listening to: Cup of Coffee, Garbage
Thinking of:

-walk away-

I hate feeling... especially when I'm feeling blue and a little under the weather. I hate it when I've got to pretend to be fine and generate small talk for the sake of it. I hate it when it seems that the world is against me yet I've got to be grateful because there are loads who wish they're in my situation instead.

I'm not perfect, and I can assure you I have never claimed to be... In fact, I really am quite the scum of the earth. I sometimes wish that one person, just one would just try to understand instead of placing more expectations on my shoulders. I hate being dependant on anyone but yet, I face up to the facts that my mere existence is because I'm dependant.

I wish I would just lay down and let this dream come to an end, maybe get the bus driver to stop so I'd be able to get down from this maze and continous circles. Oh, I so hate my life... Just why can't anything go smoothly for once... the stupid bank wouldn't screw up or maybe some stupid organisation for that matter, any organisation! Why can't things just work... Suppose I'm sort of this cosmic joke! Yeah, real funny I tell you...

Sigh, think I need fuzz theraphy... or a cerebal change. Maybe some sleeping pills and a cozy bed would be great. Goodbye sad world! I'll see u once again in a blink of an eye.

Listening to: Your Winter, Sister Hazel
Thinking of:

Dad burst out laughing last night after reading a letter from IJM (Insitute of Engineers, Malaysia).

I went something like this "We'd like to apologize for placing Mr. X in our condolence section in our previous issue of the newsletter. Mr. X is indeed well and alive overseas"

Cornwall.. The Butt of England? 

More Stained Glass 

Listening to: Give, Dishwalla
Thinking of:

Yes M.Lee, I'm hooked! Dang it!

Anyway, a quick entry before I head off...

In a brief lapse of concentration, I find myself thinking about having to leave Malaysia just as I was about to settle in. And in my semi comatose state, I debate if its a good thing or the opposite. The first few weeks in Malaysia has been one of constant anger and annoying the living daylights out of anyone possible... poor dog, has been a victim too. The irony being that I thought I might have actually learnt to be vaguely patient... So as I begin to find myself achieving a balance of the Yin and Yang of living among fellow Malaysians, I'm once again reminded by the fact that I have to pack my bags and hop on that plane again. I found myself strangely saying "its alright" when an idiot cuts in front of me while stuck in traffic and yet find it in me to mutter in hushed breath "Ass" and then wishing that he would slip and fall head first into the toilet bowl while getting up from taking a dump... See, perfect cohesion... Yeah, whatever! Lack of physical aggression towards people I've grown up with I suppose. On the other hand, I still find delight in confusing the bloke at Burger Kings (and anywhere in general) by saying "Yeah, gimme a regular whopper and some onion rings to go" in a strange concotion of accents developed from mixing with the rest of the world instead of just Malaysians.

On the contrary though... leaving might keep me on my toes and I suppose change will at least keep the edge a little sharper as compared to the mundane of repetition. Not that I've done much to respond to change... Not that I can change as fast as the scenery either. But I don't know, I suppose I'll have to learn to make new friends again and yet keep the old. Learn to have fun again, while being responsible... I'm sure it's not a big a change as starting a career, but its still change. To add to it, I'll be doing something totally different from what I've done for the previous years, even if I'm still under the jurisdiction of the engineering school.

Jumping on that plane will have consequences not only to my mental being but also towards my emotional self (yes, surprise surprise... some of it is still alive). I wouldn't want to be cynical until I find my comfort zone, and I'll definitely miss home, family (including fuzzy buddy) and friends. Reading the previous line, I feel as though I'm 14 again... Oh screw it!

  Stained Glass Windows, like a life rambled on...;

Listening to: Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
Thinking of:

The strange thing about this song is that I heard it when I was 17 and really liked it... Though I never ever caught the name of the band or the song title. Until well, M.Lee brought it up. So good on ya!

I popped by Petaling Street today just to check out the new roof they put over the place and the funny Chinatown like sign... which was pretty tacky in my opinion. But either way, the place surely has more space to walk about instead of having to avoid cars while trying not to fall into the Lychee seller's trishaw full of fruits.

DVD sellers abound... and well, every 20 seconds, without fail someone will ask if I'd like to purchase "ham tai" or urr... directly translated... salty film, Porn.

Listening to: Rhapsody in Blue, George Gershwin
Thinking of:

As the clouds gather and the sky loses some light... I wait in anticipation. Yes, I love watching a storm... along with thunder and a bit of lightning. This is much to the contrary of my fuzzy buddy (my dog) who hates the sound of thunder and insists on hiding behind the garden shed.

I remember when I was younger and when I asked mom about what causes thunder, she told me that a giant man was moving furniture up the staircase and occasionally tripping over himself. Well, I was a gullible kid... But y'know it stories like that, that I remember.

But anyway, there is a certain mystic about falling rain on the window sill and the sound of thunder at a distance. I'm also pretty sure that most agree that sleeping seems more comfortable when it’s raining.

I remember in my 1st year in university, sitting on the ledge of my room window watching the rain, sometimes to the amusement of those passing by. Sometimes I'd drop whatever I'm doing when it rains and then just sit and think for a while or just watch people dashing to and fro and jumping into buildings avoiding the piercing cold drops during winter. No, I'm not sadistic... I promise. Of course, sometimes you hear people cursing the bloody English weather (I'm a great fan of such antics... that I can assure you) and it can get depressing. But in Malaysia... if I'm indoors... nothing beats a good storm, a blanket, a cup of tea and a big window for a view. Oh wait... good company would be most appreciated too. Speaking of good company, I remember when Barks was afraid of storms; I'd sit out in the porch with him... Him with a torn towel (no thanks to his insistence of biting it) and me... well, just as I am (usually wet from coaxing Barks to the porch). A couple of treats and a hug later... all is well with the 2 sillies... One furrier than the other.

I remember cycling in the rain too when I was slightly younger... It was heavy and each drop felt like a brick hitting the skin. Water would pierce my eyes and I'd be all drenched... But yet, its fun. Motorists would pass and think that I'd gone off my rucker, but heck... I still needed to cycle out of the forest and onto a main road before I head home, and so happens it was raining. But that was exhilirating. Sure, it made navigating a lot harder and I had to go a lot slower, but it was a challenge, not a hard one... but a challenge nonetheless.

Ah rain...

Listening to:
Thinking of:



*bc comics, Johnny Hart*

Listening to: There Will Never Be Another You, MJQ
Thinking of:

The world in the cockpit is still, an air of calm and control as he prods on the right pedal. One by one, he passes cars as a gentle flick of the wrist, another gear is engaged, 6th it says on the panel. "Yeah, whatever..." a faint voice in his head murmurs. Slight twists of his hands and a directional change. Squeels ring out and the low rumble turns into a baritone whine. Yet, in the cockpit... all is calm.

As if nothing could disrupt him, living life one gear at a time... Probably best lived apart from the rest of the world, in his own mind, one turn after another.

Listening to:
Thinking of:

-exclusively apprehended-


"Death is more universal than life, everybody dies but not everybody lives" A.Sachs

Listening to: Desert Rose, Sting
Thinking of:

As Petr Solberg spills champagne on his winning car, a mother's tears fall upon the picture of her only daughter who fell to a bullet in Beslan. Next to her, another mother with a picture of 2 of her children, crying asking if anyone has seen them. Around them, as a coffin is lowered into the ground, another hole is being dug up in preperation. The sound of wailing predominant in the atmosphere and tears water the earth of which they stand on.

unidentified woman approaching passers-by in Beslan with a photograph of a girl

"Please can you help? I am looking for this girl. We can't find her in any of the hospitals. Have you seen her, she is my niece? Her name is Medina."


Photographs of those who were too young to be crucified like lambs as an object of negotiation, a price placed on their heads, placed on makeshift tombstones.


*photo by BBC.co.uk*

"In this part of the Caucasus, famed for its longevity of its population, the elderly have found themselves outliving a new generation"

"You never have to see your only children buried in the ground..."

For children who should be pottering about meeting friends on the start of a school term, bright eyed and eager... Beslan has paid the price. Denials and guilt aplenty but what can finger pointing and resignations solve. Could it bring a single life back to a tiny hand?

It could just be just another day, tainted with blood of the innocent... The world makes another revolution, another day.

As for those who've been bribed at borders, blood will stain the money they have in their hands. Yet, strange isn't it... just a couple of days after 2 infamous crashes, nothing more has been said about those.

For we can turn off our televisions to escape these horrors, if only reality could be as easy as an on and off switch. If only life would be a 30 minute sitcom where everything is solved within that time... If only, if only....

Just to see how this thing works...  

Listening to: Dreaming my Dreams, Cranberries
Thinking of:

Dreams, each one is unique though similar... Some have unkind dreams, some yearn to suceed.

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" George Bernard Shaw

I suppose there is always a way to get something done one way or another to achieve dreams. One parted the Red Sea and another worked in a kitchen in China Town before moving on to greater things. The greatest among us dreamt, yet the popper by the roadside dreamt. What is the siginificance of the human ability to dream and envision. Is it in our human nature to reach out and grab fate at the scruff of the neck? Perhaps living in mediocracy has dampened the human ability to just let go and dream.


"Human beings have an inalienable right to invent themselves."


I dream way too many things, some have been acheieved and some have not, but yet regrettably, some have been forgotten and have been cast by the wayside as one progressing on through life.

Life these days have been simple... I suppose it's a good thing that it is for the meantime before all hell begins with the journey of a couple of thousand miles back to the familiar site of university. Believe it or not, for once I watched a Malay film in a cinema... Yes, I paid 10 smackers for Puteri Gunung Ledang. It's not a bad film, a little slow, the action was kinda below par but hey, for a Malaysian production, its pretty good. Oh well, dreams...



*still cow in a moving world- prague. Canon Powershot Pro1*


I dreamt of a silver spector and a winding road... On a hill, the eye shall see the earth. What use is a man if he gains the whole earth but loses his life the moment he does. Recognize and realize... the dream spoke.